Judge — December 12, 1931 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

oem ———— \AIG HH LWA T= Judge Jr.’s Compleat Xmas Lists for You, and You, and You! Gaus, the Useless List: Since there will always be people who will al- ways give useless gifts, Lam providing for them a list that will promote use- lessness in giving. [ hope this list will be a little more useless than usual and contain things that are not only twice as expensive but not necessarily as decorative. In such times as these (and a Very Merry Xmas to you, Mr. Long Face!) people should buy now, no matter what hing is more salutary to Mr. Schwab & Co. than the sensa- tion of giddiness and general luxur- jiousness that results from throwing your dough around. What this world needs is more salutariousness and lux- uriousness and th. udge Junior Five-Year Plan, rfectly Use- less from large New York Gift Shoppes:— Jewelled Fancy Box with tiny bird on lid: Wind with key, bird sings, pirouettes, then disappears in lid. Nominated because box doesn't open, isn’t even hollow, and costs Hand-painted service plate: fragile and cannot be gua last thru an , offering great dange wllowing broken glass . . per 100, Hat (Folding) with Socket for whiskbroom on left side and socket for small dustpan on right side: Ridiculous—nobody but Ed) Wynn would wear it. Cast-iron Dime Bank: 25¢. The price isn’t silly. It's the uselessness I'm thinking of. One Dozen Hairpins: Each hair- pin may be straightened out, the en- tire dozen fastened end to end which would make a long picce of utterly useless wire. Complete of Dishes with handles on everything. Does away with all silver service. Can be bought at Svengknezzellepps & Poogmanlis- lish in Helsingfors, Finland, only, The price of the steamer to get it makes the price prohibiti Bowl of Rubber Goldfi mental as some people ceiving gifts, | cannot think of anyone who could take a rubber goldfish to his heart. $27 not including water and an absolute inanity. These from Sears-Roebuck: Ironside Cannon Heater: A sort of As senti- fter re \ HONEStY Don BELIEVE ONE GULD Tae SE A RUBPER God. v= potbellied stove. If fire is built with- in and stove pipe isn't included in gift, the room would be filled with smoke: $9.75 (2-hole top); 50 (+hole top). Burns coal, coke or wood. I see no reason for sending anyone a potbellied stove. Adding Machine: 10-key board: Scientific “touch” method for people who lend a dollar here and a dollar — the ‘ash — price, 3.95; time pay- ments, $81. which will give 5, ee vische F A DANOY GET work out on the FORA bleedin machine. e 5 PiSou a exw Super - Hatcher Incubators: For hatehi big and stronger gift for V, living (7 room ap't. egg capacity, $83.49. —D WYAN (OR SOMEONE’ AS TousH) WOULD WEAR AGET LIke THIS // Web Horse and Colt Halters: With adjustable cheek, front throat strap, noseband, chin-strap and rope tie— bow or tin-hand. Send to a do: who might find it indis) wouldn't k age to wear it. 1-Doz, Asphalt Shingles: I haven't 1 whom you'd give them ither have you. rl Necklace, genuine, per- fectly matched from the Russi: Crown Jewels. A nice gift for a horse you like for only $800,000, (Not from urs-Roebuc! (Abererom- For digging worms. Pearl Dominoes at $110, (Aber- crombie & Fitch): For people who play dominocs to show off their rings. T" would be the Useful, or Per- sonally Recommended List, which means it’s made up of things of prac- tically no use except to forward the ends of pleasure, and which I'd like to have sent me for Christmas. Most of them can be had from Mr. Aber- crombie and Mr. Fitch, gadget- cers de luxe, of Madison Avenue & 45th Street. Incidentally, last year I ran two lists: one for the rich and one for the poor. This year, obviously, the rich won't be able to afford Mr. Abercrombie’s & Mr, Fitch's wares. Hence this list is meant to appeal solely to the only ones who can afford it, the Salaried Poor. Completely Equipped Bar, with beer pump, rail, recess for cop's liquor, decorations, ete. Turn your home into a speake: ay the ‘rent and even make money... . ypear- ing Bar concealed in mantelpiece with working fireplace: Whisk it away mag- ically when chroni ks with hollow legs turn up. . . . Niconettc, A Nico- tine Remover: Now that they've (Continued on page 22) comicbooks.com