Judge — August 22, 1931 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ee eee ea Trainer would lose again. Hereafter footballs should be tested by a recognized chem- ist to see whether they contain carbon e or “dew of death.” If all the footballs in the world exploded at once 10,000,000 raccoon coats would be returned to cold storagi Cold storage saves the nation $5,000,000,- 600 a year in eggs alone. Five billion dollars is a lot of money. So is ¥1,000.000,000. “dew of death” without a permit should be made a penitentiary offense. It is 1,000 times worse than ithlete’s foot. Imagine taking the continent of South America for a ride. Are whole nations to be put on the spot in the future? A machine-gun deals out love taps compared to “dew of death.” If a person in Ventura committed suicide by swallowing a handbag full of D. O. D., he would be guilty of killing his grandfathe living in Del Monte, and his une’ San Fernando. This is akin to mur- der. OF course, every living thing within a radius of 1,000 miles would fold up. This would be a good thing if it included only moths. But “dew of death” is no respecter of race or ereed. A moth has the same chance as a stock broker or insurance sales- m: You might say—even better! For the benefit of civilization Lady Cynthia Mosley ought to keep the “dew of death” formula a secret. Per- haps if she mentioned the ingredients to Thomas Edison, he could m it into synthetic rubber. Edison is trying to make rubber tires out of goldenrod. If he is successful, it will mean that 10,000,000 motorists in this country will be subject to hay fever every time they have a puncture. Think what will happen in the fall of Carrying JUDGE I'll teach you to squirt water on me! the year if 10,000,000 inner tubes start going to seed. Will we live to see the day when rubber heels are made out of oats? Who knows— horses may some : be eating elastic bands instead of hay. rnce is a wonderful thing. Every time there's a heavy dew on the grass, I'm going to crawl under the bed with a sponge in my mouth. Who can tell? It might be the contents of Lady Mosley’s handbag leaking out. While there is life there is hope! Revised Needles and pins, needles and pins, When a man buys a new shirt His trouble begins. To a Bachelor of Science Yo look upon each leaf until You see a million chlorophyl And watch the quiet waters stir With microscopic rotifer. And when you look at me, I note You're watching my sclerotic co: Go work awi hemy Of ch hemistry, For if you would define a kiss : ¢ from the orif You will remain forevermore A scientific bachelor, —ALicr Strameisten And our wife knows enough about a car to take it apart, but she has to have a tree or a lamp-post to assist her. “Dear Mr. Numerologist.” comicbooks.com