Judge — August 8, 1931 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

gurated the first volume in the series known as “The American Credo,” yet hardly a week goes by that there does not come to me, from one corner or another of the land, some further contribution to the sum l is a long time now since I inau- ns of the native cerebrum. Occasionally, indeed, I myself still manage to de- duce an illum ample without outside assistance, « of cele- brating the tenth ry of the publication of the ‘compen- dium I today emb the opportunity to present to you a number of the latest findings. Herewith, then, some additional articles in the critical faith of the great American people, includ- ing—it is possible—your own eminent self: 1. That a hoop snake can take its tail in its mouth, roll along and sting a tree by plunging its tail into it, and that the tree will thereupon promptly die. 2. That the United States Govern- ment has moved all the remaining tribes of Indians to the desert regions, where the poor souls have to dig into the ground to get enough er to keep from dying of thirst, and that the happy-looking Indians who go to the Carlisle Indian School aren't really full-blooded Indians at all, but the offspring of Indian mothers and white Don Juans who went across the coun- try in the covered wagons or of In- dian fathers and New England spin- ster-ladies who went West to teach school, 3. That, to be juicy and sweet, watermelons must be planted when the moon is right. 4. That if a person touches the nest of a partridge, she will abandon it, and that to remove the eggs success- fully the business should be done with 4 spoon. 5. That all doctors admire and re- spect each other immensely. 6. That spittle from a tobacco total of the philosophical convic JUDGE kb GEORGE J 0 chewer will promptly heal a sting p That the 5-and-10-cent stores lose a little on every article they sell but make a fortune on the annual tre- mendous turn-over. 8. That planting sunflowers around the house will keep away disease. 9. That all convents have hidden gardens with sceret cemeteries where the babies of nuns are buried. 10. That no well-bred person whis- tles. 11, That all of Earl Carroll's re- hearsals are gone through in the nude. 12. Fhat all working girls hate to be pawed and immediately fall in love with anyone refraining from doing s 13. That any cigar store with green blind in the window is a speak- : 14. That such Amos 'n’ Andy, as “whut's de propolition?” “I feels re- barrassed,” “you ain't got no recon- ideration for anyone,” “unlax”, and s Ah sees de sichiation,” constitutes an imitation of the way darkeys actu- ally talk. 5. That in restaurants run by Irishmen, newsboys are always al- lowed to circulate freely and sell their papers, because the Irish restaurant owners started as newsboys them- selves and are consequently very sym- pathetic toward them. 16, That it is bad to order oysters in a fashionable restaurant, because they are always opened in a bunch carly in the morning by one of the dishwashers, due to the swell chef's disdain of such lowly business—and that as a result they lose their fresh- ness by dinner time, turn a little green and are likely to poison one. >, employed by I'se_regusted, 17, That when a very rich man commits suici s gencrally because he realizes that it has been his money that has been a hindrance to happi- ness. 18, That Bernarr Macfadden, be- fore coming down to his office in the 16 mornin shorts N minu| invariably puts on running and runs all the way up to ck and back, stopping only a few es on the return trip to dish of cereals, and that before he- goes home at night he takes off his chemise, stands at an open window and negotiates 2.500 deep breathings, after which he drinks six glasses of spinach juice. 19, That the majority of plays pre- sented in the theatre every si after April first are put on by shoe- string producers who haven't a cent in the bank and who borrow the money from the scer inter, the leading lady or their barbers. 20. That Hollywood, since the ad- vent of the talkies, has become very moral, that all the old-time rough par- ties have been abandoned, and that all the girls now go to bed every night at 9:30 with their husbands and all eager to have little ones to bless their homes. 21. That the late President Hard- ing, because he used the word nor- maley, a very illiterate man. 22. That all the stenographers in the offices of Vanity Fair ave beautiful ex-chorus girls and that at 4:30 every afternoon cocktails are served all around and the editors dance with the girls until it is time to go home, whereas, on the other hand, the ste- nographers in the offices of the Atlan- tic Monthly are all dreadful old maids and the editors the kind of men whom the mere sight of a drink would nau- seate, reason That the late James Gibbons Huncker drank a keg of Pilsner every day and wrote all his articles and books at Luchow 24. That men who go to France to write books are all empty posturers who sit around the cafés, talk art and never accomplish anything. In other words, futilitarians like Ernest Hem- ingway, Ezra Pound, James Stephens, Julian Green, the late Arnold Ben- (Continued on page 32) Tepes ss comicbooks.com