Judge, 1931-06-20 · page 10 of 36
Judge — June 20, 1931 — page 10: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# "The Woodpecker Problem" – Judge Magazine Satire This humorous article by Barrie Payne uses the woodpecker as a vehicle for absurdist comedy. The author facetiously investigates how woodpeckers avoid headaches while pecking, concluding they actually *do* get headaches—and suffer serious neurological damage. His "research" includes banging his own nose against trees. The satire escalates wildly: woodpeckers supposedly go mad from repeated head trauma, experiencing brain displacement, backward flight, and delusional behavior (one thinks it's an ostrich). The punchline claims this has driven entire woodpecker species to extinction. This appears to be pure nonsense humor—a parody of pseudo-scientific investigation popular in early 20th-century writing. The accompanying cartoons show absurd situations (a waiter bewildered by a diner's complaint; a diving accident blamed on "dog fishes"). The "20th Century Revision" section below shifts to brief social commentary on dictators, canned goods, and actors' loud complaints—typical Judge magazine satirical observations on contemporary life and manners.
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Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
JUDGE THE WOODPECKER PROBLEM By Barrie Payne FPee many months T have racked my brain over a tough problem, namely: How can a woodpecker use his head for a hammer without giving himself a headache? after exhaustive research, I'm convinced that his head does ache. My procedure was this: First I tried to imagine myself a woodpecker. 1 tried to place myself in a woodpecker’ shoes, so to speak. Since woodpeckers wear no shoes this was difficult. 1 then went around banging my nose against trees. It took very little of this to show me that woodpeck- ers have headaches. I also observed that the nose, or bill is not equipped with springs or bumpers. Thus the full vibration of the hammeri is transmitted directly to the head. In faet I la learned that a woodpecker’s brain is often jarred loose from his skull, and that loud noise you hear when a woodpecker pecks on wood is caused by differ- ent parts of his brain rattling together. Sometimes his brain gets juggled around so that the cerebrum is where the cerebellum ought to be, thus causing him to think backward. In this condition he commits many embarrassi such as flying backward and upside down, out shells or shells without eggs, are hatched or hatching them quite often he suffers from woodpecker that had delusions ¢ was an ostrich and went around laying ostrich ¢ terrible thing happened to him in the end. He stripped his ars, blew out a fuse and got sued for patent infringement ya group of ostriches, This torture of constant headaches has driven so many woodpeckers to suicide that these birds are now extinct in and Madagascar. t certain species of woodpecker are extinct every- where, ‘Today the four-wing horned woodpeckers are scarcer than one- « blunders gts with- gs before they re they are laid. And Hucinations. I recall one grandeur. He thought he “Waiter!” nting ©; le d chorus girls. And look at the h| six-toed woodpeckers. They never ex- “= —s od | | Diver—It must have been one of them dog fishes, boss! 1h} 20th Century Revision 1] waa Jitu Dictators, Fascists and sim- aa ilar things, I'm sure we should wit all be unhappy as kings. Itt Nowadays, complains a writer, ev- erything comes in cans. Even college } boys to a party. ea A good deal of the sound financial a advice of last year turned out to be Hh} mostly sound, { | } In the old days you could tell an ] | actor by his loud clothes. And now By ti you can tell him by his loud com- Wee a plaints. - | } “Do you boys mind if I join you?” hl iit 8 ay ul j | ut comicbooks.com