Judge — January 3, 1931 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Wanted—Fifty Vitamines by don herold enough to wear skirts and strong enough to pull little wagons. 1 don't care what sex they are, or whether they are A, B,C, D. X.Y. or ZT shall insist on a certain variety in the sexes, however, because 1 would like to raise some little vitamines. I wou n like to buy filty (50) vitamines t It's pretty broad-minded and sporting of me to make this offer, because Iam fundamentally a vitamine Atheist. It seems to me there has been a lot of loose talk about vita mines in recent years, and Tam frank to admit 1 have been skeptical. [Ml believe in vitamines when T see some. It will be worth real cash for me to lamp some actual vitamines in the flesh, and Iam commercial enough to believe that a lot of other people would ps money to sce some honest-to God vitamines: That's why I think a Vitamine Cirens would pay. Look how the Flea Circus paid in New York for a long time. And, come to think of it, fleas were no novelty; lots of folks have had them and seen them right on their own dogs. Of course it was interesting to sce fleas trained (if you eall poking them with a pin and making them move out of the way “trained” ), and it was educational to witness their feats of strength, But consider vitamines. Nobody 1 know has ever seen one, and hearsay has it that a vitamine can outpull a thea with both hands tied behind its back. All along I have had the idea that the vitamines talk was just another scheme to sell groceries. “Strong in Vitamine C.” say the labels. And we are told to cat lots of whale blubber because it is thick with vitamine this or that. At our house we eat nothing but a certain kind of vitsmine-infested bread and watch our alphabetical intake like hawks. Well, if it is not one superstition it is another. Our fathers believed in witeh- craft and we believe in vitam craft. xt theyll be telling us that So-and-So tires are rich in vitamines, and we will be advised to rub Whatsit into our pores because it feeds our skin Vitamine Q. 10 JUDGE Cotrece Lap (to Robot)—Now don’t lemme catch you wearin’ my ties! The Beer Racket! A the situation shifts almost hourly. A vitamine that is hot stuff today may be entirely out of style tomorrow: Late news from the world of mice and guinc pigs may change th nine market in the middle of a meal, last word I had on Vitamine C was that it was prac tically a myth, having been recently covered to be just an offshoot of V mine Bo And Vitamine D, which was such a vil dis- 1 few months ago, is now, I id to be practic unless taken in A. And just because a certain vitamine happens to bother or benefit a guinea pig, what does that prove about what it will do toa ; believe, s Hy valueless ssociation with Vitamine rartoo But, as I said above, if you can show me vitamines, I'll buy fifty at your own price. And all you other folks will be glad, I know, to come to the Vitamine Circus and watch me make the vitamines show their vitality. Incidentally, I think hormones arc another fraud. But [ll buy some of them, too—for the sideshow. + comicbooks.com