Judge — December 20, 1930 — page 28: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Pity the Rich! G" MBL ye may, those of you who A jive simply and who have to slip the elevator boy and janitor a couple je Ropas and futuristic ties as holi- day salve, but what about the who lives in one of thos huge modern apartments like 12 East 86th Street? Here is a place which is so complete a living organism, so like a human hive it would be possible to spend a whole lifetime inside without once leaving the place, Anything that you whether it be a cooking egg, a yard of mercerized lisle, a Packard, or a fur-lined overcoat, can had delivered at your door by the simple expedient of pressing the proper but- ton, The place is so large it contains 1 whole city of stores under its roof or within hailing distance, And for each separate human need there separate attendant. Well, sir, ‘em up. The service includes barber- ing, cigarette lighting, dog airing, door opening, saluting, message ning. door closing, food. laundry, market reports, valeting, ete., ete, ete. Five smackers in each itching palm would amount to—well, figure it out for yourself! man require, is a count run- clothing, Unimportant Items used the gag I've car Ripley stmnas heard of. You received a missive from him which read: “Believe it or not. this is a letter from nti Claus!" And, sure enough. it was—from a jerk town called Santa Claus, Ind Ripley had dispatched his secretary out there with his complete mailing list, solely for the purpose of the gag The cheapest Xmas card I can think of can be from brown wrapping paper with appropriate sentiments stamped on with a kiddie’s printing block set. G. J. Nathan wants Mr. Winchell to write an Xmas column which is supposed best card ever made JUDGE to have all the Biblical scandal of the day. F The column would end “It’: boy over at the Josephs.” Being a python at heart, 1 ca st enthused over people who vie with ch other for effect. and jaborate Rembrandtian everything but the kitche them, Nor can I subse who seize the fane on paper. Formerly it was the tire w York force to ex- change Yuletide presents. During those prosperous years these presents grew costlier and elaborate, ngs went into debt for the ye so that they might swap royal negli- gees with each other, and office gave each other silk lounging robes and solid-leather fitted cases. Thank heavens the slump is with us, or if things had moved on proportionately Rolls-Royce for Hispano; ermine wrap for sable; and kohinoor (dia- mond not pencil) for nut-sized emer- alds'd be the order of the day. In Russia the Soviet protests against the of their Tele- graph by hanging huge stuffed turtles outside the telegraph offices. Last-minute reminder: If you must produce a gift on Christmas Day for someone who turns up unexpectedly with se doodad, Liggett’s. the United Cigs the florist shops at the Biltmore send out cards with stove on > to those oceasion to grow pro- habit of an en- otfier more slowness and sundry shoppes id Central Sta- rgett’s at the ought to supply al short of real at the Pennsy and Gri tions are open, I Grand Centra most anything furniture. Children may be parked at Macy's while you do your shopping. If you want to do something big for one of your close pals this. ye you can set him up in business. buy him a erate of apples and nd him a street corner, By leaving a barrel of hard cider letting it freeze, per fect applejack (the liquid that doesn’t freeze in the middle) is formed Another cheap card can b in one of those Speak-o-Phone- (there’s a booth at the Rialto Thea tre now), Make a record of your Christmas greetings. Mail it to a friend with instructions to pass it on to another friend, & la chain letter. Money may be borrowed right up to Christmas t the National City Bank. They are not short on funds heavy outdoors and studios Holiday Don’ts and Warnings D>’ try to get seats for “Three's a Crowd,” “Or in a Lifetime Joe Cook and “Smi Don't to the C without drawin savings. Don't fail to dress for the high-hat night clubs: St. Regis, Ambassador. Montmartre, Grill Neptune. ete, Don’t dress for the Broadway high-hat places or you'll be mistaken for a racketeer, Don't mistake the green and red traffic lights for Christmas de ations, Don't drive while cuppy If you must burn up road hire a chauffeur and private car. ral Park Casino our Christmas Club Don’t date up girls from “Smiles.” They're unrea sonable, Don't bet on fights—be- tween drunken collegians and taxi-drivers, Juper, Jn. comicbooks.com