Judge, 1930-09-06 · page 8 of 36
Judge — September 6, 1930 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Explanation for Modern Readers This is a humorous article by S.J. Perelman about disposing of young men at an amusement park. The accompanying cartoon illustrates the absurdist joke in the headline: "YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO VASSAR BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HER THINK!! STORMED THE DEAN." The cartoon shows three men in suits—appearing to be authority figures (possibly a dean and visitors)—confronting a woman sitting at a desk, likely representing a Vassar College administrator. The satire targets early 20th-century attitudes about women's education, suggesting that even elite institutions like Vassar couldn't overcome perceived limitations in women's intellectual capacity. The humor relies on period sexism and the clash between institutional prestige and stereotypical views about gender and intellect.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Early Fall and Winter Amusement Park Letter By S. J. Perelman As ficld secre - Pill shot y of the North Ear- J Arson, and Forci- ble Suicide Society, it is my pleasure to lay before you today several novel means of disposing of young men in amusement parks which I have worked out during the course of the summer. These young men may be placed in four groups: (a) Gorillas who stand up in their seats at the peak of the roller coaster; (b) Greaseballs who snatch at brass rings on the JUDGE merry-go-rounds; (¢) Ghouls who pose for hours among the wax-works waiting for a chance to leap out and frighten you into convulsions; and (d) Fiends who test their strength on hines in penny arcades. Let us take up each class in its turn and not put it down until it is dead, or at least severely maimed. First, how to wipe out the mug who rises at the crest of the roller coaster and stands nonchalantly on your new stra w hat while the car pre- pares to leap two hundred feet into eternity. As this specimen is usually fifty pounds heavier than you are, with a red leathery neck and hands 1] YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO VASSAR BUT YOU CAN°’T MAKE HER THINK !! STORMED THE DEAN The Four Reveling Paper-Hangers in their stirring song mash; “Oh, How I’d Love to See That Old Kalsomine.” “Who's that fat cove you just spoke to?” snapped the senior member of Bolabosta and Bolba- tooney, Boiled Birds’ Bones by the Boz or Bushel. get near enough to him to catch his name!” jittered the cluck “I dunno, I didn’t And then, of course, there were the days when you sore “I’m the Guy” buttons and thought “Let’s not and say we did!” was wit. of lamb, subtlety rather is your cue. In the hurry and bustle of entering the car at the platform, you can quickly loosen the sides of his compartment and soap his seat carefully, taking care to sit di- rectly behind him. On three oe an unfortunate twiteh of my 1 proper moment has cured cases. One of the specimens took four days to reassemble and tl still looking for his collar-bane. ‘They may as well give up looking; I still wear it proudly to this very day on my watch- chain. The brass-ring snatchers on merr, rounds offer a more v d choic cither soap the saddle of t ind have a downy bed of gr el on the floor or you can saw through the wooden arm from which the rings emerge. Personally I favor the latter method as cleaner. At the very mo- ment when he rises in his stirrups to ze the ring with a whoop, the entire ring-platform crashes down on_ his conk. Best results are obtained with a good, lively fox-trot or one-step; sometimes with good, careful planning your quarry can be thrown fifteen or twenty fect through a window. How- if you want him just comfortably wled, have the mus director turn on the “Valse Triste” or “Kiss Me Again.” One of my best jobs took : to the accompaniment of “Drift- ing and Dreaming,” and as my man was being borne from the floor in a coal-seuttle the organ went into “I V a Be Lugged by You.” But of irse this was an exceptional case. The wax-work lurkers present a slightly more complex problem. Of course there is the old mad-dog method, but who wants to carry around a crazed animal on a hot day merely on the chance that he may bite your man? Both the Van Arpels the Fishwick methods are supe Van Arpels favors steel traps im- bedded around the figures, but as this technique involves. starvation (which is inhuman), perhaps Fishwick’s is the better. For this you simply pro- cure two sticks. The doors having been locked, wait till your prize pears at the window. Then slowly rub the sticks against each other until a small flame appears. DuBose claims this is similar to his boiling-in- hot-wax method invented in 1909 and there is an interesting suit. for in fringement of patents in progress. I myself pick DuBose to win, as Fish wick recently forgot to get on t side of one of his jobs and ws out in a rather toasted form. (Continued on page 26) out- raked comicbooks.com