Judge — August 9, 1930 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Flat-Footers Frisk Fiddler’s Flat! By S. J. Perelman He beat faster the world over last night when Ernest Hemin- , president of the Ernest Hemin- Wrecking Company, which is tearing down the Fritz Chrysler, an- nounced to reporters that he had dis- covered the “Barcarole’ from the ‘Tales of Hoffman” lodged near the 56th floor, From Tia Juana to ‘Tomsk, from Brest-Litovsk to Bounty ay, from Lithuania to the Leeward Islands, wherever tattooed hands grasp glasses of grog, King Bewilder- JUDGE ment reigned supreme. In low booz- ing-kens in Limehouse Reach and evil notch-joints in Port Said, the riff-raff of the Seven Seas stared at each other in stupefaction, Swarthy Lascars and sneering Eurasians in the crooked pur- lieus of the Forbidden City blenched at the news and barricaded themselves in their hovels, hastily flinging pocket moats about them for protection. In the snowy summits of monasteried Tibet slant-eyed priests spun prayer- wheels with palsied hands and burned special joss-sticks labeled “Crowell Publishing Company” before their idols. Even in Virginia among the VALISE ME YOU CAD FLASHED URSULA IN HIGH DUDGEON A mocky gleam shone in La Savita’s eyes as she went to the door of the rancho in her Havana wrapper. “Did you collect that bill from that Cloverbottom clown?” demanded the dentist's frau. “No,” scowled old Root-Canal, “and furthermore he gnashed my or teeth at me!” Put a dollar bill in the Colonel’s hominy, Joe, we'll give him a nice smack in the mush. 14 stately mansions, the courtly fops, the gracious belles, and the tasty food served amid homelike surroundings at reasonable prices, terror and astound- ment fought with each other. “Gad, sir!” puffed one elderly red- faced colonel on the levee at Natchez, tugging at his white imperial, “Ak kain't remember anything like this since fearless Beauregard leaped with his guerrillas into. the breach at Shiloh! What next?” “Just this, Colonel torted Cameo Kir! Yancy,” re- y, a gentleman gam- bler who had been fingering the deli- cate silk ruffles at his wrists, “I'll wager you five thousand they'll find ‘Anitra’s Dance’ from the Peer Gynt Suite before morning! “Done, suh!" cried Yancy, giving the gambler his hand. A moment later a picturesque blackamoor who been asleep on a bale of cotton ed toward them with a telegram. Yancy tore it open impatient It was from the Ernest Wrecking Company. “Discovered ‘Anitra’s Dance’ Peer Gynt Suite in the y pendix,” read the gambler. “Have just uncovered ‘Fifth Hungarian Rhap- sody’ of Brahms arranged for the celavichord in the clavicle.” Meanwhile, in New York, a raiding party of police broke into Fritz Chrys- ler’s apartment and discovered the bones of a baton and a half-eaten The remains were shown to the spinet’s mother, who identified them as Franz Liszt. At this moment, however, Franz Liszt entered arm-in- arm with Rudy Beethoven. “What's all this?” he demanded in- “How dare you upset artment? Have you got a license?” The police captain showed him a document marked “License to Upset Chrysler's Apartment” and ex- plained the situation. “Rubbish!” exploded Beethoven. “Why, this is Liszt right here! We've just come from eating Fritz him- self!” “T'll tell the world,” added Liszt. “He was delicious! And the chestnut dressing—yum yum!" “But listen, men,” expostulated the police 1in. “Are you sure it was Chrysler? I saw him myself being torn down this morning over at the Ernest Heminway Wrecking plant.” The two composers went white. “Quick, Franz, there’s not a mo- ment to be lost!” shouted Beethoven, dropping his pen on his unfinished symphony. “Pray God we're in time Heminway from pr ap- spinet. (Continued on page 29) comicbooks.com