Judge — June 28, 1930 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

——_ LETTER Ie Ernest Void: An Interview By S. J. Perelman Firsts Vor was quietly smoking a ~ Burma cheroot at the window, the lavender sheen of his nightshirt an unforgettable patch of color in’ the breathless hush of the lilacs, when I paused on his piazza and knocked softly. He waved me to a comfy Smoke?” me keenly. “No,” T stammered. “The sun- burn makes me look a lot darker, of course. But I'm really as light as a feather; I feel like a puff of thistle- down, really I do.” he inquired, surveying JUDGE “Gee, I haven't a single thistle- down left,” hesitated Void, gl regretfully through his cigar case. “I wish I could offer you one, but all I've got left is a chair-leg.” I took it with good grace and sniffed it apprecia- tivel cllent bouquet, this,” I com- mented, lighting it with a spill from the fireplace. “Yes, I rather pride myself on my chair-legs,” agreed Void, pluming himself on his chair-legs. “I have the wrappers made especially for me by Theophilus Godalming of the Cigar Divan in Wardour Street, Soho, W. C., who, as you know, is really Prince Florizel of Bohet HALF AN OAF IS BETTER THAN NONE BLURTED THE BUMP Put some kind of plug into the bathtub, plumber; I’ll smoke any- thing. “Did that ’bus say Fifty-seventh’ Street, my good man?” croaked an old heel. “No, you old fathead, and if it did, I didn’t hear it, I’m slightly deaf,” spat an even older one. You ought to be glad you don't have to do these, let alone read them. “About your jump from the Chrys- ler Building, Mr. Void,” I began ten- tatively, taking out a certified check for five thousand dollars, “I represent ‘Izvestia Poldoody,’ the largest Polish newspaper, with a guaranteed circula tion of 12,000, Will this buy your day-by-day story of what happened on the way down?” t's forget about money,” Void, brushing aside the into a special basket reserved for such objects. “What did you your guaranteed circulation wa 1 my figure “We-ll,” he said finally, “I'm afraid you'll have to guarantee me 8,000 circulation or I can’t talk.” I few quick words into the in- strument at my elbow. “Yes, this is Chopin,” came the edi tor's voice. I explained the situat “Offer him 9,000 guaranteed Poles, directed Chopin. “But bring back that story or you're canned. We've got to beat ‘Funny Lithuanian Stories’ to the street or we're ruined!" I broached the proposal to Void and he pondered it. “Well, he said, “I could get 5,000 guaranteed Spaniards from La Prensa, but I'll give you a break As you know, I took off from the weather-vane of the Chrysler Build- ing ten days ago about noon. The following morning I was going strong, just passing the seventy-ninth story. I looked down and saw tiny black specks moving about like— s “Like ants, Mr. Void? exclaimed Void. “Like nants! There they bout on the sidewalk I reminded. » of gnats,” went As the day wore on they started biting me. It was terrible! I “Just a minute, Mr. Void,” I in- terrupted. “Iho started biting you?" “The sea gulls, of course,” snarled Void irritably. “Who do you think was biting me, my mother? Those sea gulls were circling around in my wake the whole four days I was fall- ing. I finally had to smear their beaks with a special smearing fluid I had with me for the purpose.” “What did you do for victuals, * I threw in. “T victualed on a piece of wood,” he replied. “I had also brought along a canister of water to relieve my thirst and I took a pulitzer at that whenever I felt parched. The morn- (Continued on page 29) comicbooks.com