Judge — May 17, 1930 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Five Star Extra! Flying Piano Appears Over Long Island! By S.J. Perelman, Staff Correspondent inno, Long Island, May 4 looks like a genuine L Island miracle without — appl took place here one morning last’ week, throwing savants and pundits of the scientific world into confusion and making Galileo, Newton, Whitehead, and Spengler look like a bunch of Polish barnies on an outing. The mir- acle was reported by a Mr. Prosper JUDGE Flutter of Limbo. Back tiles of Junge show that a Mr. Flutter won first prize last year in the Beef Contest, being awarded a tecthing spoon for submitting 318 pieces of beef dredged from his beef quarries. — His whole name, however, Frank Flutter. Probably some other Flutter altogether, we hazard. he Flutter miracle happened as follows: Mr, Flutter, a manufacturer of arti 1 arms doing business Limbo, arose early last Wedne: and prepared to go clamm wife. He took along a clam h: which to beguile the clams so that his wife could) sneak up on them own was and Bai Bay ry pabeuwern’ BAtehary “MY FAT IS IN YOUR HANDS, KID,” OGLED THE BEEFY BEI 2MOTH Saddle my milk-and-white palfrey, Irving; I'm off to Asia Minor to lance a few Moslems. “Hey, there’s no swimming allowed here! bawled a hick constable. “Why didn’t you tell me that before I got undressed?” snapped shapely Sue. against that!” chuckled Chin-whiskers. “Wa'al, babe, there’s no law Remember, boys, you can beat your wives all right, but the stick must be small enough to pass through her wedding-ring. 10 pepper their tails. Whilst’ walking along Lefkowitz Lagoon searching for clam marks, Flutter and his wife were almost startled out of their tunics to hear music coming out of the sky. They looked up and saw an automatic player-piano sparkling in the air and playing “I Wanna Be Loved by You Boop-Boopy-Oop.” As they watched, fasci d, the nsic changed to “I inna Be Loved by You Boob-Boop a-Doop.” A moment later the piano flew within speaking distance of th: astounded Flutters and said in fairly good English but with a slight Yuca tan accent: “Would favor?” “Not at all,” replied Flutter, who is that rare alloy, a business man and a gentleman, “Well, I'm pretty thirsty the piano. you mind doing me a pursued “And Yucatan me a glass of vichy if you don’t mind.” ‘This was done (the Flutters, like the Knopfs. are ever mindful of their duty to the bourgeoisie and reful never to he seen in public without a bottle of vichy). “Perhaps you're hungry,” sug gested Flutter. “We're all out of tuna fish, egg salad, and sardine sand wiches, but we have some nice ham and chicken.” “No, [ate my Jamaica,” said the “Thanks just the same.” And _ it spread its wings and disappeared over the horizon toward the Straits of Singapore, where the flying “Levine, I Dream of ime.” whilst over player-piano rolls fishes Lilac An attempt was made by scientists to corroborate the testimony of the Flutters by questioning several clams who were known to be in the vicinity at the time, but they refused to talk “They just shut up like clams,” stated Julius Marx, of the Boys’ Science: Class in Room 12, New Utrecht High School. He was sentenced to fifty lashes and was hamstrung. Inter viewed by the Biggest News of the Week Editor, he gave his favorit: study as billiards and said he planning to be a grew up. was pirate when he Mr. and Mrs. Flutter were unfor tunately eaten by clams yesterday and the whole matter is at a standstill Jupor is offering twelve packs bluing for the arrest and conviction of the bivalves and a sock on the but ton to the eretin who stuck a pin in my door-bell last night. That w: all, girls, and remember, next F I'll show you how to make an ice- cake and bedevil your husbands. comicbooks.com