Judge — March 22, 1930 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

What to Do ’til the Doctor Goes By S. J. Perelman ir velvet-eyed Dame Spring, the witch, knocking on the door n, preparing to twine garlands of ant epilepsy in your hair, will be loping around to your doctor in a couple of weeks to have a general you spring cleaning and upholstering. There are probably a few organs you will want removed, or if not, at least a few stops let out. ‘Take your ven- tricle, for instance. Aha, I thought that would suffuse your checks with a dull red flush. What about changing that ventricle? Why have you been neglecting You know, if you wore it around your neck, you'd change it oftener, and besides, how will you feel walking down that altar in June with the Only Girl, and knowing all the JUDGE time that she’s expecting a new eight- nami Your ysician will give you a liberal al- lowance on your old one, and I'm sure we can work out some easy budget- nent plan to get you a good sereen-grid. Show me the bride so crusty that she can resist the haunt- ing charm of: For you'd look sweet Upon the seat Of a ventricle built for two. Now that you've decided to have your kidneys kalsomined or your pulse painted—although I had to shame you into it, you gorilla you— the most important question is, what are you going to say under ether Like all the rest of them, you'll put it off, and when the time comes you'll just lic there and stammer out some tubbish like “Unaccustomed as I am I JUST KICKED A GHOUL SIMPERED SADISTIC SAM Let down my hair, girls; the Grocers’ Association has elected me Queen of the Mayonnaise. “You poor man, do let me send you some cake,” Law Benny. the Booze Away,” tette Boys. fluttered an old fusser in the pen. “Any old kind, mum, as long as they’s a file in it,” “What kind shall it be?” yawned Baumes- Heigh-ho, everybody; the next number will be “Shaking played for you by my St. Augustine St. Vitus Sex- to public sleeping—cer—er” or some- thing like that. You'll be all hands and feet when should be the forceful, witty, and convincing master of the situation. Have r tried to speak from an operating table and you you ¢ felt your audience drowsy, inatten- tive, wishing they were snugly at home in bed? And that ghastly period in your speech when some little girl probationer puts up her hand with a stifled yawn and says, “Pardon me, I © to go to the laboratory.” There are hundreds of good topics with which you can fascinate the sur- geons, nurses, internes, orderlies, un- dertakers, and kiughing re tives who will be grouped about you, waiting for the worst. No doubt many of the doc tors around you are wondering what they are going to do after they gradu- » from college. A little vocati guidance is just the thing. “Boy “T happened to be in the girls’ locker-room vester- day afternoon and overheard Henkle, Disney, Voorhees, Respighi, and Men- gelberg talking about what profession to enter after graduation. Have you ever thought about meat-cutting, men? It’s the coming profession, and think what you could do if you knew what goes into frankfurters logna, boneless boiled you can say, wieners, bo- n, dried beef, callow beef, liver sausage, summer sausage, pressed ham, unpressed | h ham, ill-fitting ham, he cheese, ocs goose-liver sausage, tapi- pudding, and floating island! And there's another thing about plumbing. men. People are continually calling in a good plumber to have their drains put out of order and their pipes clogged with old rags and newspa- pers. It’s not one of your fly-by-night professions like snoring or taking a bath, here today and gone tomorrow. All about your home are nooks and corners that YOU, Mr. Average Taxi- dermist, can beautify at small cost. A few game heads on the wall, some magnificent ducks and leaping fishes in the dining-room, thi y wolf, bear, and tiger rugs for the bedroom, a stuffed orang-outang for the nursery —that's the kind of a home you TOO can have, and nobody the wiser, not even you. Men, I don't guarantee wonders. I take you jus! you come to me, springy, full-chested, with ix months of m a rich, mea! swelling muscles. nd you will ha course complexion, sagging knees, no appe- tite, a diploma, and diphtheria. Re- member, men, only six turkeys, four ducks, and a goose left—cut out that capon and mail it TODAY!” comicbooks.com