Judge — January 25, 1930 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Sorry, lady, but I'll have search you for stowaxays.” The Noise Abatement Commission Four solemn, distinguished-looking gentlemen, wearing the conventional starched cuffs of big business, sat round a mahogany table in the direc- tors’ room of the Noise Abatement Commission. On the center of the table lay a Faraday aneroid noise- recording instrument and chart. The directors tapped their thumb-nails with their eyeglasses, puffed on fifty- cent perfectos and said nothing. At length the president broke the tense silence and said: “Gentlemen of the Noise Abatement Commission, we are here, as you probably know, to discuss and locate the various noises in our city. Your president has spent the past ten days, in accordance with the committee's wishes, sneaking up on unmuffled motor-boats. I herewith JUDGE present you with my summation. You can see from the chart that unmuffled motor-boats are 9 per cent. noisier than fat women.” he vice-president said in a hushed voice: “I find that elevated tr: and whooping-cough account for 45 per cent. of the noise in this city.” The treasurer said: “Have any of ” who took our hats! “So'd I!” “I'd like to find the darned fool you boys considered pneumatic drills and sneezing? “Your president has appointed a committee of fifty able-bodied men to trace down sneezers,” said the presi- dent, “and drop a cold key down the neck of cach offender. Since this pol- icy has been in effect, noise from sneezing has d ed 2 per cent. cast of Fifth Avenue, but many com- plaints are being received relative to late home-comers not being able to unlock their doors.” The vi cold k e-president said: “I thought were for hiccoughs.” replied the secretary. “You place a cork in each ear and drink a glass of cold er with a clothes-pin on your nose.” “That's not a remedy for pneumatic drills, is it?” asked the treasurer, “No,” replied the secretary. ‘In the case of pneumatic drills, it’s best to place the patient flat on his face, unloosen the clothing, give small doses of ammonia and phone your neighbor- hood grocer. The treasurer said: “If everybody in the city would stop saying ‘Boop, boop-a, doop,’ and keep quiet about the stock-market crash, noise would Srupent Pitor— Darn! Now I'll catch it when I get back. Any hotel lobby, when short skirts were in vogue comicbooks.com