Judge — December 21, 1929 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Chinese Christmas— and the Hell With It RISTMAS! Tristr * piped up little — three-yea Na Girl, “You shut your face and go back to work,” replied good-natured Anson. “You can say ‘Christmas’ just as well as Tecan.” And the child found her- If hurtling through the air, corsage first, “just like Kris Kringl afterward put it in telling it to the Nice Mans at the police station. There are probal : no people in the world to whom Christmas means so little as it does to the Chinese. Let us see if this is true. In the first place, the Chinese have no Christmas. Your laugh at this “What! No Christmas for 2" or you may say it with- out which is more likely, knowing readers as I do. But, honest and truly, the Chinese do not have any such thing as Christmas, and you can ask Mr. Powell if you don't believe it. (Mr. Powell was the headmaster of the school and a perfect peach.) In fact, if you were to sa you want for Christmas man, he would laugh in your fé unless you turned away your head. For there is no greater insult that you can pay to the Chinese than to call anyone a Son of a Triple Moon-flower. You will learn this, when you have been longer. Let us see what Christmas morning is like in a typical Chinese glangi First there is the glangie, or risin bell, at which all the little Chinese boys and girls come tumbling pell- mell (and boys tumble pell-mell, the girls willy-nilly) down the stairs, over a row of chairs placed there by the stage-manager, and into a formation at left-center known as the Big, Big Pyramid. This is the signal for the release of eight fox terriers who run around barking and looking for cight more fox terriers who aren't there (being swart). If this gets a hand, they go into the “Three-Up-Three- Down” number, with nobody p: any attention to it, as it is the ¢ the show and the audience is walking out. laughing, to a Chin to your sorrov here a_ little Luncheon over, the Chinese boys and girls are rather up against it for something to do. This over, it is dinner-time. And such a hullabaloo as arises! Tom Cratchit said he never had known such a hullabaloo, and all the little Cratch- its said that he was crazy and that there had been exactly such a hulla- JUDGE haloo last Christmas, only that natu- rally he wouldn't remember it, he hav- ing been cock-eyed and in bed by seven-thirty. At which accusa Tom Cratchit got to erying and to bed at seven-fifteen, leaving all the lights burning and the windows closed. And did he feel awful the next da: So, you see, when a country like China has no Christmas, there is noth- ing much that you can get hold of to write a Christmas story about. Maybe I made a mistake in picking China as a scene for this little “operetta.” On the other hand, maybe you had better mind your own business. —Ropenrt Bexcurery The Humorous Writer’s New Year Resolutions To abstain completely from Scotch jokes and lines beginning “He was so dumb.” To give Mayor Coolidge, and Rudy earned rest. Calvin a well- Walker, Vallee To give up all references to ciga- rette testimonials, To abstain from mentioning both the stock market and prohibition, To stop making puns on the names of songs. To abstain completely from writing jokes about New Year resolutions. ARTHUR SinvensLatr WE'LL HAVE A NICE ROAST TURNKEY FOR DINNER,BOYS CLOWNED EAST NEW YORK LOUIE Wanted—A bloke with a steady hand to stencil nev fall model eye- brows on Greta Garbo, junior, “Brutus beat you to it!” “Hey, I freshman, tapping on the librarian’s desk. want the life of ‘wsar!” fumed a “Sorry, babe,” jibed the Or, as the Pekinese said to his girl friend, “I may be Wong, but I think you're wonderful!” 10 comicbooks.com