Judge, 1929-11-02 · page 11 of 36
Judge — November 2, 1929 — page 11: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
# Explaining "For Rent—Thirty-Room Apartment, No Baths" This is a satirical short story by S. J. Perelman (a famous humorist) rather than a political cartoon. The piece mocks the banking industry through absurdist humor and nonsense. The story describes a chaotic bank merger involving "The Hives," a new skyscraper, where incompetent management creates farcical situations. The "floor-plan" diagram of a human head is a visual joke—showing the building's penthouse layout superimposed on anatomy, likely satirizing how bankers are "empty-headed." The narrative deliberately becomes increasingly incoherent, mixing unrelated incidents (Spanish Flats, Berbers, obscure characters) to parody overwrought financial reporting and bureaucratic absurdity. Embedded throughout are fake advertisements for products like "Shave-Komfort," a running gag mocking contemporary radio advertising's intrusion into editorial content. The overall target: the era's banking establishment, their pretension, incompetence, and the chaotic consolidation trends reshaping American finance in the early 20th century.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
soa cnmnenrseunit JUDGE For Rent—Thirty-Room Apartment, No Baths By S. J. Perelman ast week's shake-up in the banking bi merger of the Farmers’ and ( Trust Company and the Lug City Plasterers Pig-Drivers’ al Bank, and the removal of their offices to the new 47-story plush skyscraper, “The Hives,” on Pratt Street, has al ly borne fruit. The fruit consists in this case of two cashiers, A and B, who were for- merly believed to have absconded but were discovered upon moving to be in Mr. Foley's waste- basket. They were soundly re- proved and sent) supperless to bed, much to their boyish grati- fication. The next d meeting of the directors was held and the bank was renamed FRED H. DARBY JUNIOR, absorbing the PRACTICAL FLAGELLA- TORS’ TRUST COMPANY OF ILLINOIS and a small un- identified man named Bushvogel, whom detectives found hiding under Selma Jastrow’s bed. Both Miss Bushvogel and Mr. Jastrow were immediately taken to head- quarters and dressed in evening clothes. They then lodged formal complaint against each other, charging porphyry and estoppel, the case being adjourned pending a change in venue by Magistrate McGee, whilst. the jury sang “Venu and I Were Young, Me- Gee” in a reedy tenor voice. With forty-six floors of “The Hive iers’ already occupied by cash- yes, waterproof showers, and counterfeiting print money for depositors, the penthouse on the roof still re- mains ant. Shown above is a floor plan of the penthouse, empty at present ex- cept for five or six pairs of pents and a tweed vest with patch pockets left behind by the fleeing Hun- yoks, © Berbers had attacked the Hunyoks ne: Spanish Flats, a small raiding party of Ohrbach cle Boys debouching into a reverie for a sixt d loss. Brought to earth by Horli Gelder, they were in the center of the ri bell and infighting scrappily when 5 shouted, “Go it, Jake, kill the bloody Litvok!" Kid Coffee turned to look and Heifetz, seizing the opportunity, floored him with a jab to the sweet- breads which shook the Cooper-Hewitt bulbs. I hope this clears up any argument on this score. 1 was hiding in the sweetbreads at the time and Iet me tell you, my head's still ringing from the impact. When I rushed on deck I just had time to kick an old lady in the stomach and get a place to _-Floor-plan of penthouse apa ment atop of before the > She war a in the captain's dingl went down, Ay, ma she war! Stephen Wise” good craft, that As befits the prestige of “The Hives,” President Befitz of the board of directors has had the pent- house decorated in an appropriate manner. ‘The walls are papered with rubber checks and Bertillon measurements of depositors in the last three stages of starva- Y, and A central tus, constructed of tubular pasted — to- gether with moist flag (of the sort that is often found under beds), carries dirty water to the living-room, carries it back again, wraps and seals it, and leaves your pan with that tingly sooth- fterglow which comes of of heating ing to shave with a pi Ever try it, men? No? Then get tube TODAY—it's real SHAVE-KOMFORT — we all it our exclusive COMMU- TATION-process — plucks out the hairs by the roots and fills the cavities with cold Russian ; haven't known STYLE until you've tried EPPIS SHAVE-KREEMO —cool, soothing—send_ tod Jim Pansy for a free sample 3 * to that old SHAVE- And tune in next t nine on the Eppis Kreemo Serenaders on the green network! attempt to describe further the thirty-odd rooms comprising the penthouse above is well-nigh impossible. In fact, it is impos sible, mostly because the builders have suddenly decided not to put up “The Hives” after all. This means that the bank will have to find another building. Well, boys, I leave it to you. What I’ve said to night will give you busincss men a little idea of what we farmers are up against. Farm relief from Congress? New handles for our seythes? Closer tines on our pitchforks? Pshaw! It's the dreari ness, the dull, monotonous existence, the Mundane. Tuesdane, and Wednesdane drudgery that’s driving us inevi came over on th back on her unless I get a square de have your skyscrapers and your indelit but give me a piece of the Ould Sod and : notes of a winter's mornin’. It may be the moner in me, but poet and peasant, the Colonel's lady r their skin. to and st skyscraper ly toward Communism. My grandfather Mayflower” and, by God, I'll go 1. You ean ‘omicbooks.com