Judge — April 19, 1930 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Save the Serpents, and You Save All By S. J. Perelman N° doubt many of you vicious little AN wastrels have been throwing away your used and threadbare ser- pents during the winter, never recking that soon you'll be hunting high and low for something to put in your week- end visitor's bed in the country. Only yesterday I was looking ove shoulder in the bread-line as he opened his morning mail. He slit letter after letter and flung them impatiently into the wastebasket. “Why are you slitting letter after letter and flinging them impatiently into that wastebasket, my man?” I 1 man’s Throw de deck-rail on de fires, mateys, JUDGE made so bold as to ask. His hand moved like lightning toward his holster but the flesh of my badge on the twill of my waistcoat caught his eye. His face relaxed. “It's those damn serpents, mister,” he confessed acidly. “ANT get in my mail these days is advertisements and threadbare serpents!” “Well, don’t throw them away.” I observed alkalinely, “soon you'll be high and low for somethi to put in your weekend visitor's bed in the country.” His discomfiture was comical to behold in the extreme it was comical. I mention this interesting little ance- dote to illustrate the man's passive attitude toward serpent thrift. average WALL 's got to beat de “Vicks- burg” into Natchez or dem No’thuns’ll ’vacuate all de call money. Tramp Routine 435: “How's for two bits to get back to me dear old mother, mister, she ain't seen me face in ten years.” Crusty Old Codger Routine 892: “That's easy to believe; why don't you rub it with a damp cloth?” Of course I know that sometimes it’s the serpent’s fault; she wants more extra evening off, or no sday, signed expressed money, wash “Perplexed Blue just this problem. Said the writer “My wife and I have always had trouble keeping our serpents. We've treated them well and been a father to them. Only a week ago we saw a corn on the real cobra and sent her off to a chiropodist instanter. Was she grateful? I should say not. The next day she flounced in very uppishly with her seedy boa about her neck and her carpet-bag and gave notice. She said so many cutting things to my wife I had to threaten with a smack on the hisser if she didn’t de She desisted but when we tried to get her to stop, she would stood right there in the midd! floor desisting so loud we couldn't hear the radio. What shall we do?” Ob viously the only way out to re move their radio, which I advised. This morning I got a wire from my el and his wife saying he'd had his radio ken out and it had left only a st scar about an inch long which the doctor said would disappear when he took out the stitches. Now they ean hear the serpent desisting in a full, rich tone, hardly any static, and you'd think you were right in the same room with the thing. ‘This is onl hundred instances I could name, and remember that you can get all this on the easy payment club budget install- ment savings plan for $400, less rat- tles, hood and fangs. sist. By the time your weakened visitor begins yawning over his bridge in the card-room or taking it out and putting it in a glass of water, everything should be in readiness in his room. The copperhead, cobra, python, or strictor should be snugly tucked into the sheets waiting for your guest. Have a window open and. several frayed ropes leading to the ground lest your visitor should break an ankle by jumping rashly. Below the ropes on the ground a wicker basket filled with small but lively garter-snakes will complete the equipment. Pinning fly- paper to the bed-sheets is not to he recommended; a handful of brambles. coarse cake-crumbs, or even a few clinkers will serve equally well. Of course, all this demands time. care, and serpent overhead. There are casier if less subtle w: for the im- patient. A fire in the left wing needs only a can of kerosene and some cot- ton waste, but the chances are less th your friend will catch the milk train (Continued on page 32) comicbooks.com